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Going to the country this Friday- Sunday. Yay! I'll be taking lots of videos & pictures for mom and grandma since grandma is too weak to go and mom is staying home to take care of her.

I just wish grandma wasn't so weak so she could breathe better and sit up more.

Bittersweet Symphony

With the way my grandma has been declining and the very bad gut feeling I have, I think her time here…isn’t gonna be for very much longer (days, weeks, or months…not so sure about years, though). I hate that I’m having this feeling (and thoughts) and yet at the same time I know it’s coming (unfortunately that’s reality). It’s the very bittersweet circle of life and it really sucks. 😓

The strange thought that keeps going through my mind is “First Dad gets to see and be with Aunt Melba, great grandma, Roy, David, Sam, Danny, Ruby, Uncle Floyd, Uncle Howard, Grandpa Leon, Aunt Florence, Uncle Phillip, Great Grandma Maggie, Adam Q., Patti, Donny, Erin (and all the other people I care about that has passed on) before I do and now…yeah, I just can’t say or write it out in those words. Kinda like how hard it was to write the words “My dad is dead” or “My dad died” (to this day when I write it I feel like I’m watching someone else write it). I guess I’m more Wiccan than I thought, still yet, cause I do believe in a Summerland (not heaven for I’m not Christian and I don’t believe good people go one place and bad people go to another place. I think it’s kinda like it is here - some people are good and associate with good people and that the ones that are on the bad side, so to speak, associate with the others like them).

Mask Time!

Did a mask for the first time in years since I developed Rosacea. Feels soooo good!!

Grandma's doing worse again. She's weaker, but today she was able to get up by herself for the first time in a few days. When I asked her how she was doing she said "Not good." So apparently she's not feeling too good. Her back and hip are hurting her immensely, but they say she has no break in her hip. We're gonna get her back checked out next. Not sure why they didn't check it at the same time as the hip, but you know how doctors are...

Gonna switch from 150 mg Wellbutrin XL to 150 mg Wellbutrin SR tomorrow (well, it's after midnight...so later today). I'm not gonna lie; I'm pretty nervous about it. *crosses my fingers*

First Post in Over a Year

So...a lot has happened in over a year. Guess I'll get this journal caught up.

Well, we went on vacay to the country and had a good time. It was probably our last vacay as a whole family since Grandma is no longer able to travel.
***disclaimer: some of these events might not be in the right order, but who cares*** My ex-boyfriend Adam passed away due to basically drinking himself to death. Then my like-a-Mom Patti passed away from breast cancer. My Grandma (the one I live with) had some strokes, a bunch of falls (one was very bad and she now has a 2 inch fracture in the back of her skull) and now has to be taken care of. She had another set back in the last few days (not sure if she had another stroke or what) and she's really weak again and has even more trouble swallowing (she can't swallow meat at all now). I guess the bleeding in the front of her brain went away; her doctor hasn't said much about it. Oh and I'm still single. I'll have been single for two years on Feb. 18, 2015. I don't really ever see that changing. I can't trust anyone...not after Brian. I really truly believed him when he said he wanted to be with me and saw a real future for us and things in my life looked like they were finally were they should be...and then all of a sudden (after he'd skipped taking some of his mental meds) he breaks up with me and tells me it's him and that he can't put me through his mental problems anymore. I tried asking him to give it a few days until he got back on his meds and he still fucked me over. Well, the funny thing is that now he's gotten his current girlfriend pregnant. I shouldn't say it's funny/odd cause more than anything it's fucking sad as hell and I really feel for that chick and that unborn child when he decides he's done with them as well. He doesn't want a normal life whatsoever. He just likes to play games with everyone. What sucks is that I wasn't the only person he hurt when he screwed me over like he did. He hurt his mother quite deeply, too. Anyways, that's my life's update.


I had written a really long entry about what has been bugging me, but I accidently erased it by somehow clicking on an Amazon ad which I can't even find now. Apparently it wasn't meant for me to publish that post so I won't try to rewrite it. The first time I attempted to write this entry I had my mood set to disappointed. After having gotten those thoughts out of me...I'm still disappointed that my Dad basically commited suicide (by way of giving himself a fatal heart attack with what he was doing to his body), but I got those thoughts out on here (even if they didn't publish it still served it's purpose). His darkness overtook him. I refuse to let my darkness do the same to me!

Not Too Shabby of a Day

Decided to go for a walk after I ate and ran into my big sis and my niece flying kites in the field down the street. It was fun flying kites with them. I don't think I've flown a kite in years. I think the last time was when Chloe (my niece) was like 4. It was good exercise and I got to soak up some sunshine. All in all, it was a really good afternoon and evening. I hated to leave.

So today was day two of the new antidepressant. I feel a little less jittery today actually, so that's good. It's already done a major improvement on my moods. Omg, it feels so good to not be so effin' depressed!!! xD Hell, I even exercised with my weights after I came home. Feels good to also be somewhat motivated again. And docs always say that you won't see any changes for a few weeks, yeah right!! Lol.

Well, I think that is pretty much all that's on my mind to say. Gonna go do a crossword while I eat a little something. :)

I Should Be Sleeping...

I stayed downstairs longer than usual tonight to work on Noblegarden in WoW. A pic of my toon Miadori

I kinda wanna go and delete anything and everything to do with Brian on here, but then I wouldn't be really keeping an online journal then...would I? I just won't be going back to look at past entries.

I really don't have much else to say. I've been keeping a hand written journal lately and I'm actually enjoying pouring out some of my thoughts, especially the depressing ones, and getting them out of me. I have to quit dwelling on stuff...and that includes Brian. Obviously, he cares nothing for me. You either love a person and want to be with them or you don't. It's not something you should have to think about. You should just know this sort of thing. Especially when you went out with said person for four months. Stalling is playing games. Time to move on... or at least try to. Actually, I have been trying to. Now I'm forcing myself to whether I like it or not. I refuse to let anyone else treat me like this... like I'm expendable.

Insomnia, Nothing New There

The sky this morning. Just thought it was freaking beautiful.

Brian's Birthday xD

It was a pretty good day after we got his phone fixed. The Apple store was majorly busy and well...yeah, that was no fun. We met up with his dad for dinner and we had some really good laughs. :) Some pics from the day:

I had posted this on Brian's page.

Cool mall art decoration.

Brian staring hard at something...he's so cute! ;D

I dunno.

Ya know your getting old when you're out shopping and this is what you come home with. Lol.

Frozen Strawberries and The Simpsons

Had a great day with mah besties yesterday. Amanda Kaye was just too cute sitting there happily munching away with her latest pregnancy craving of frozen strawberries that Johnny drove around and around to find for her. Awe, so sweet!

Kayley has gotten so much taller and her face is changing a bit too.

She was having a blast getting her Simpsons kick.

I looked up from my crocheting on the couch and saw my boo looking so cute and snapped this pic of his hotness.

All in all, it was a really content full kinda day. So without further ado....

Happy Holidays to all! xD